I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[loses house key, starts a new life]
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
every. time.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face