yall want some gasoline milk
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.