“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked