Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don鈥檛 finish what they start
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I鈥檒l be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I鈥檓 going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some