The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
pizza
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.