Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.