[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
You Might Also Like
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals