When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.