No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Just this preview of the story is enough
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*