10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.