just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent