LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Meow?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”