agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see