Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine