Its true…
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me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.