I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty