Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Who did it better?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously