Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day