Pass gas, not judgment.
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“i miss shittin on people”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia