Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
You Might Also Like
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Life hack
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments