Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.