“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.