[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I have many caverns
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob