me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.