Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Jogging has never helped my memory.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Worst bar ever.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.