Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
You Might Also Like
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”