If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.