me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“i am a sweet baby”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.