My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
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me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.