I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
saving face 👀
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I’m not wrong
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths