I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.