ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
this is me
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Donkey Kong sommelier
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.