“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
She was REALLY feeling it.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.