Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me trying to “trust the process”
the rocks need my help
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Basically.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?