3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
A classic…
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?