my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
You Might Also Like
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx