ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒