Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.