Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
You Might Also Like
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?