under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
felt that
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
(2022)
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide