How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.