her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
You Might Also Like
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.