I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I am crying
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah