the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.