this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
A friend sent me this.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.