Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
North and South
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not