If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long