You Might Also Like
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Happy Febuary everyone!
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.