SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
You Might Also Like
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
#parenting
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Hot Hot Hot
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.