Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Schrödinger’s cookie
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.